I've kept fairly quiet on my social media pages about my personal issues because I was told not to share this info as it might 'hurt my brand' but I think it's time for me to share my story so others in the same position can know that they are not alone. What has happened to me can happen to anyone; even if they never show any observable symptoms on the outside.
This might come to a surprise to many people, as I got very good at putting on a mask, but I have suffered from a mental health condition since childhood. Only until recently, have I been able to open my eyes and see how much this condition has affected me in so many aspects of my life. In the past, it has caused me to act impulsively, out of character and eventually causing me to lose myself. It causes me to have uncontrollable anxiety and unbearable depression (sometimes for no reason). It’s a condition that can happen to anyone after a traumatic life changing event or even just constant stress over a long period of time.
In the space of a year, I gained 30kgs and could barely function as a human being. I lived in denial and refused to let anyone in. I spent years seeing different doctors, trying every possible “solution” to break me from the vicious cycle I was in and I was so fixed on the idea that a magic pill could cure me. I thought that things had to be perfect or else I couldn’t ever be happy or live a fulfilled life.
As many of you know, the music industry can be brutal with all the BS that comes with it. I got lost in the drama, criticism and pressure to always be “perfect” and I was constantly looking for reassurance from anyone other than myself. I felt like I had to be this idea of the “cool” DJ which conflicted with the person I truly am. I lost all my passion for music and gave up all hopes on a dream which I had dedicated my life to. For a while, I couldn’t even listen to any sort of music without feeling like the world was collapsing around me. For so long, I lived in my head which detached me from real life and tore away everything I loved about myself. It drove the people I love and care about the most to breaking point. I lived in a world of hate for my self and everything around me. I regretted every decision I had ever made and I was ashamed of the person I had become.
I was praying for a miracle to cure me but really, all I needed was my inner strength to fight this. It took me over a year of retraining my brain to see life differently and I had to dive deeply into my past to understand why I am how I am (which always confused me).
It’s taken me a long time to learn new ways to deal with the pressures (mainly caused by my own thoughts) of this world. BUT... I can honestly say, I have never been more satisfied and happy with who I am today. I now realise for me to truly be “successful” in this industry/life, I have to be honest with all of you and more importantly myself. I’ve now accepted my past and my condition; now I can move forward with my life. For the first time in my life I am excited for any challenge that comes my way and my passion for music has never been stronger!
I’m not coming out and telling you all this to get attention or sympathy, I don’t need that anymore... but to help anyone who has any mental health issue and let them know RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE, no matter how bad things seem and erase the stigma associated with it so people can talk openly and honestly about their issues, which for so long I felt like I couldn’t do.
What you’re about to hear from me in the coming months represents everything I have been through over the last few years. I have truly poured my heart and soul into my music which I struggled with doing in the past. I can’t wait to show you everything I have coming, it’s truly from the heart. Thank-you to all of those people who never gave up.
For those who are struggling, PLEASE speak up. The first step to recovery is to talk, even if it’s just to your loved ones. I know that when your struggling it feels like it will last forever. But trust me things will get better if you persevere and push through the pain. Never forget I’m only a message away. I’m here to listen if you need someone to talk to and to give advice on how I was able to overcome my demons.
If you are struggling and need to reach out for help, please visit our Get Help Page for organisations that can assist.