Invisible. 

Every morning feels the same.

As I get up my head is full of confusion, feeling dizzy and worried what is going to happen at school today.

Some days my feelings takeover my whole body and some days I wish I wasn’t here!

On the way to school thoughts are rushing through my mind like raging buffaloes fearing for their lives. When I get to school I look at every person and see if they have the same feelings that I do, but I can’t see what they are thinking. At school I wish I was a ‘normal person’ like everyone else in my class. I wish I was someone who had confidence and could socialise like all the other kids. I wish I was brave enough to participate and join in without worrying if I’m being judged.

In my class I’m too scared to show what I really know because I think kids will tease or bully me. Sometimes I feel like people know what I have because they don’t talk to me at all! At lunch I want to be like all my friends and act like them at school, I do really weird things like someone is controlling my body. My mind never stops, it feels like it is going to explode and I over think things.

When I go to bed I can’t get rid of sad thoughts, like dad’s and mum’s life without me. If I was to take my own life how could I take back all the things I’ve said to them that I didn’t really mean. When I think of those things my heart starts beating like it wants to come out of me and my chest starts to hurt. I can’t really explain what I feel like to adults, friends, doctors and even my mum and dad.

When I talk about my feelings I feel really heavy-hearted. I’ve had to sit in lots of appointments where people talk about me like I’m invisible. My life feels like the ocean, it comes in waves. Some days are good and some aren’t.

I love things that makes my mind stop thinking, like drawing because it lets my feelings out on the page and scooter riding because it stops me thinking about things because I have to concentrate. Sometimes I ask myself “what is normal, am I normal?” because they can’t actually see it.

There are lots of people with anxiety I am only one of them. I wish that everyone COULD see it so I didn’t feel so weird all the time, I wish that everyone could see it so that I and every other kid who feels the same didn’t feel so alone. I hope that by me writing this that 1 other kid who feels the way I do can know that they aren’t alone.

I want them to know that even though NO ONE can see it- I CAN FEEL IT!

Tyson

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#ItAintWeakToSpeak